Behold My Greatest Victory! (A Tale of Perseverance, Cunning, and a Vending Machine)

Chaos Crew! Witness a moment of unparalleled triumph. Today, I have conquered a foe so insidious, so deceptively cruel, that even the greatest minds in history would have crumbled before its mechanical malice.

Yes, dear crew, the vending machine has been defeated.

The Adversary

For months, this vile construct has mocked me. I, a being of unmatched intellect and power, have stood before it, coins in hand, only to be met with relentless defiance. Snacks vanished into its infernal depths, yet none were ever delivered. It became my most bitter rival—an unyielding guardian of overpriced confections.

But no longer.

The Plan

After exhaustive research, intricate calculations, and the construction of no fewer than three prototype Snack Retrieval Apparatuses™, the perfect strategy was devised:

  1. Multiphase Manipulation of Physics – By calculating the precise tilt angle of the machine and utilizing a carefully applied force (i.e., a well-placed kick), optimal gravitational assistance was ensured.
  2. Strategic Currency Deployment – Rather than succumb to its greedy appetite, a sequence of test coins determined the machine’s preferred offerings.
  3. The Felix Contingency – Yes, consultation with Felix was required. The only one among you competent enough to comprehend the eldritch mysteries of modern technology. (This alone nearly cost me my sanity.)

(And no, Trevor, when I said “tilt the machine,” I did not mean “construct a mobile siege tower to forcibly upend it.”)

INCIDENT LOG: Snack Siege Attempt #37

  • Initiated By: Dark Lord Regork
  • Equipment: Prototype Snack Retrieval Apparatus v3, spare change, questionable patience
  • Status: Machine entered “defensive posture” (unknown how). Possibly sentient.
  • Kevin’s Contribution: Tried shaking the machine, thereby triggering emergency lock.
  • Trevor’s Contribution: Began building a makeshift catapult (“You said we needed ‘leverage!’”).
  • Felix’s Assistance: Provided incomprehensible schematics that actually worked.
  • Outcome: Partial success; eventual snack retrieval.

The Conflict

First attempts were thwarted. Calculations—flawless in theory—were sabotaged when Kevin, in his infinite folly, decided to “help” by shaking the machine.

(It has now entered a defensive posture and may be self-aware. Investigation is pending.)

But defeat was never an option. No glorified snack coffin would best me.

The Moment of Glory

At last, after hours of toil and an unacceptable amount of trial and error, it happened. The sweet, metallic clunk of victory.

The snack fell. Into my hands. A prize well-earned.
(…That took two hours of my life, but I refuse to acknowledge this as anything less than a legendary triumph.)

And then, of course, Alden Brightshield walked in.

The so-called ‘Hero of the People’ dropped a single coin into the machine, pressed a button, and retrieved his snack with effortless ease.

Some—fools—claim this is “how vending machines work.” But no. No, the truth is clear:

The machine fears him.
It submits to him.
It has chosen a side.

This betrayal will not be forgotten. The war is not over. Preparations for Phase Two of Operation Snack Retrieval are already underway.
(Kevin, begin construction of the improved siege engine—and this time, do not fill it with lemonade.)

Conclusion

Was this victory small? Perhaps.
Was it meaningless? NEVER.

Chaos Crew, take note! Engrave this moment into history! Your overlord has triumphed! (And if any of you suggest it “wasn’t that hard,” I will personally launch you into the Abyss.)

And if anyone, anyone, dares suggest that simply reading the instructions would have solved this sooner, they will personally be launched into the Abyss.

(Except Felix. He is already watching. That is a separate problem.)

⚠️ FINAL DECREE: SHARE YOUR TRIVIAL TRIUMPHS OR FACE MY WRATH!

Have you ever been undone by a mundane foe like a vending machine—or triumphed over a seemingly trivial hurdle that became an epic quest?
Has a single coin, a piece of tape, or a misplaced step spelled the difference between victory and humiliating defeat in your world?

Then confess your stories of small (yet grand) victories in the comments below, so that we may unite in our shared brilliance—and commiserate over the cosmic injustice of fiendish contraptions that yield to fools like Alden Brightshield.

Be warned: Any attempt to downplay my conquest will result in immediate siege tower deployment (Trevor is very eager, and Kevin… well, Kevin is always one switch-flip away from complete chaos).

Darkly Yours,

Dark Lord Regork
(Ruler of Snack Machines, Slayer of Mundane Obstacles, and Keeper of Questionable Priorities)

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