Bow Before Me! (Or At Least Acknowledge My Existence)

A Grand Proclamation (Immediately Undermined by Reality)

Greetings, trembling mortals, insignificant peasants, and my ever-infuriating Chaos Crew!

I am Dark Lord Regork, supreme overlord of—

…Well.

Theoretically? The entire world.
Technically? A blog, a dysfunctional lair, and a dry-cleaning bill the size of a small kingdom.

This is NOT how I envisioned my rise to power.

I was destined to be the most feared name in history, whispered in hushed terror across the lands! REGORK, DESTROYER OF HOPE! LORD OF UNENDING NIGHT! WEAVER OF—

Kevin: "Hey, boss? Do we have more printer ink?"

Regork: "...WHAT."

Who is Dark Lord Regork? (Aside from Magnificent, Of Course)

I am the harbinger of doom, the master of all that is unholy, and an absolute menace to autocorrect.

My ultimate goal is total and absolute world domination.

And yet, my daily reality consists of… significantly less impressive tasks:

  • Delivering grand villainous monologues into the void. (Often interrupted by Kevin asking if I need anything from the break room.)
  • Designing elaborate doomsday devices. (That inevitably explode, collapse, or turn into very aggressive kitchen appliances—RIP, Evil Blender of Doom.)
  • Trying to appear menacing despite constantly tripping over my cape. (I WILL NOT SHORTEN IT—I HAVE STANDARDS!)
  • Waging war against the Laundry of Eternal Suffering, which devours my socks into the void (and, last Tuesday, attempted to strangle me with a sentient bathrobe—an incident I shall never speak of again).

My Eternal Struggles (A List of Injustices)

1. My Chaos Crew is a Walking Disaster

I did not assemble a team of elite warriors just to be constantly thwarted by locked doors, misplaced paperwork, and an alarmingly high rate of self-inflicted injuries.

And yet, here we are.

  • Kevin believes all problems can be solved with “good vibes.” (Which, tragically, do not function as a battle strategy, no matter how hard he tries.)
  • Will takes every command too far. I tell him to "fortify the defenses," and he constructs a 20-foot barricade out of stolen furniture and, inexplicably, toast.
  • Drew never plans, never thinks ahead—and yet somehow, things always go right for him.
    • He once infiltrated an enemy base by accident and got offered tea. I hate him.
  • Trevor follows orders too literally. When I instructed him to “prepare the troops for battle,” he handed them travel brochures and packed their luggage.
  • Felix completes tasks too perfectly, which is suspicious.
    • No one in my organization should be this efficient. I am watching him.

2. My Evil Lair is Constantly Under Siege (By Bureaucracy)

📌 Official Villainy Incident Report – Lair Logistics Division

  • Status of Volcanic Throne Room: DEEMED A FIRE HAZARD BY LOCAL REGULATORS.
  • Dungeon Classification: ILLEGAL BASEMENT. HOW CAN A BASEMENT BE ILLEGAL IN A VOLCANO?
  • Moat Status: DRAINED FOR ‘WATER CONSERVATION.’
  • Lava Pit Proposal: BLOCKED BY ZONING LAWS. I AM BESIDE MYSELF WITH RAGE.
  • Thunderstorm Generator: DEEMED ‘A DISTURBANCE OF THE PEACE.’
  • Villainous Cackling: APPARENTLY, ‘EXCESSIVE.’

HOW CAN I BE A PROPER DARK LORD WITHOUT A LAVA PIT?!

3. Alden Brightshield Exists (And That is Unacceptable)

Of all the injustices in this world, none torment me more than Alden Brightshield.

He is the bane of my existence. The golden-haired, ever-grinning thorn in my side.

Where I scheme, he stumbles.
Where I strategize, he blindly blunders into success.

And yet, despite my superior mind, he continues to win.

Unacceptable.

  • He once tripped on his own cape, fell into a battle stance, and accidentally disarmed my entire front line.
  • He delivers motivational speeches so effective that MY OWN TROOPS STARTED CLAPPING.
    • I had to remove three of them from my will.
  • He currently has triple my follower count on social media.
    • This is an act of war.

And worst of all—he doesn’t even know he’s my nemesis.

(Pauses. Checks phone. Sees a new post from Alden.)

Alden’s Status Update: "Feeling grateful today! 🌟 Remember, kindness always wins. Also, I just hit 1 MILLION FOLLOWERS! Thanks, everyone!"

I AM GOING TO SCREAM.

What Can You Expect From This Blog?

Here, you shall witness my ongoing (and often infuriatingly ridiculous) quest for world domination.

You will find:

  • Dramatic villain monologues, which will occasionally be interrupted by minor inconveniences.
  • Diabolical plans, which, if history is any indication, will go terribly wrong.
  • Rants about my Chaos Crew, because if I must suffer, so must you.
  • Unexpected moments of sincerity, which I will immediately deny having.
  • Guides for aspiring overlords, including:
    • “How to Appear More Menacing When You Are Only 5’6”
    • “The Art of the Evil Laugh (And Why Practice Is Crucial).”
    • "How to Prevent Your Doomsday Weapon from Developing a Conscience."

Final Decree: JOIN ME OR FACE DIGITAL OBLITERATION!

📢 Swear your allegiance or risk being labeled a rebel!
📢 Declare your loyalty in the comments, lest I unleash a plague of CAPTCHA tests upon your devices!
📢 Together, we shall rise—starting with this blog. And then… THE WORLD.

Welcome to the reign of Dark Lord Regork.

May your servitude be long and mildly entertaining.

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