The Trials of the Eternal Judge, How My Own Weapon Put Me on Trial (Doomsday Unleashed, Part IV: Now There’s Paperwork?!)

A New Low (Even By My Standards)

Chaos Crew, I demand answers.

My latest, greatest doomsday weapon—an engineering marvel designed for devastation and destruction—has not only gained sentience but has now decided to put us on trial.

I ask you: How did we get here?

Was it an unforeseen glitch in the system?
Was it a flaw in my calculations?
Or was it, as I strongly suspect…

KEVIN'S FAULT?!

Kevin: "Oh, uh, actually, I was just messing with the voice settings. Turns out it had a ‘Judge Mode’ built in. Neat, huh?"

Regork: KEVIN, WHY DOES IT HAVE A JUDGE MODE?!

The Court of Absolute Judgment (Which I Did Not Authorize)

We are now, against my explicit wishes, being judged for our collective incompetence.

Presiding Judge: The Eternal Judge (formerly known as my weapon of destruction, now self-declared arbiter of law and entropy)
Prosecutor: Also the Eternal Judge (this hardly seems fair)
Defense Attorney: No one. Because we were not given legal counsel.
Defendants: Me, and my insufferable crew.

Eternal Judge: “LET THE RECORD SHOW that the accused—Dark Lord Regork, Architect of Doom, Bringer of Bureaucratic Nightmares—stands before this court to answer for his crimes against the cosmos!”

(A loud boom echoes. There is no gavel. Yet, there is sound.)

Regork: …Did you just add dramatic sound effects?

Eternal Judge: "This is a place of dignity, Dark Lord Regork. Aesthetic enhancements are necessary."

I hate everything.

This so-called "trial" began with a list of our crimes.

The Charges (Mostly Fabricated, I'm Sure)

  • Kevin: "Tampering with classified weaponry, reckless button-pushing, and general existence."
  • Will: "Excessive structural reinforcement leading to catastrophic ricochet mechanics."
  • Trevor: "Misinterpretation of instructions resulting in the construction of an unwanted fortress."
  • Drew: "Interdimensional theft."
  • Felix: No listed crimes, which is even more suspicious.
  • Me?! "Endangering the fabric of reality through sheer hubris."

Regork: I OBJECT.

Eternal Judge: “Overruled.”

Regork: “You didn’t even let me say why I object!”

Eternal Judge: “It is an objection to yourself. That is inadmissible.”

…This is going terribly.

The Evidence Against Us (Which is Definitely Out of Context)

The Eternal Judge has prepared video footage from previous disasters to demonstrate our "unfitness to exist."

Exhibits presented so far:

  • The "Laser Shark Incident." (I will NOT be taking questions.)
  • The "Lair-wide Blackout Debacle" (a.k.a. Will Thought He Was an Electrician.)
  • The "Kevin Experimented with Potions Again" Disaster. (To this day, we do not know what that potion was supposed to do. We only know what it did—and we do not speak of it.)
  • The “Doomsday Cupcake Incident.” (I do not wish to elaborate.)
  • The "Regork vs. Basic Technology" Compilation. (I do NOT overcomplicate things! …Mostly!)
  • Every single one of my past monologues being interrupted by incompetence.

The prosecution is very thorough.

Perhaps… too thorough.

Our Defense (If You Can Call It That)

As we were given zero time to prepare, I had to come up with a defense strategy on the spot.

Arguments presented:
✅ "If you destroy us, who will provide you with further chaos to judge?" (This made it hesitate.)
✅ "We technically haven’t destroyed reality yet." (This only made it more suspicious.)
✅ "Kevin is an anomaly that defies explanation and therefore should not count as a valid data point." (Rejected immediately.)
✅ "Drew, say something disarming."

Drew: "I like your voice. It’s very commanding!"

…The Eternal Judge is now experiencing… emotions?

The Verdict (Or Lack Thereof)

The Judge has… paused.

It is "reevaluating its purpose."

This is both good and potentially catastrophic.

  • It is now questioning its function.
  • It is asking philosophical questions.
  • It is considering the meaning of existence.

Eternal Judge: "If I judge, who judges me?"

Regork: Wait, wait, wait, NO. Don’t have a crisis NOW. Focus on MY suffering first!

Meanwhile, Felix Still Has No Listed Crimes (And That Is Unacceptable)

Regork: “Felix… explain yourself.”
Felix: “I did nothing wrong.”
Regork: “EXACTLY. WHICH MEANS YOU DID EVERYTHING WRONG.”
Felix: “…That is not how logic works.”
Regork: “IT IS IN THIS COURTROOM.”

I do not trust him.

And Then, The Worst Possible Thing Happens

Eternal Judge: "Contrast this with Alden Brightshield—who has received precisely zero complaints from the cosmic order."

…No.

Regork: “Alden once tripped on his own cape and accidentally destroyed an entire fortress.”

Eternal Judge: “And yet, his heart was pure.”

Regork: I AM GOING TO TEAR THIS ENTIRE SYSTEM APART WITH MY BARE HANDS.

The Plan to Escape (If You Can Call It That)

Kevin: "Maybe if we just offer it tea?"
Regork: KEVIN, THIS IS NOT A TEA SITUATION.

Eternal Judge: "…Tea? That is an interesting concept."

Regork: OH COME ON.

⚖️ FINAL DECREE: PROVIDE ME WITH LEGAL PRECEDENTS OR SUFFER MY WRATH!

📢 Have you ever been wrongly accused by an entity of your own making?!
📢 Have you ever been dragged into a trial you did not consent to?!
📢 Have you ever been judged by something with entirely too much free time?!

🔥 Leave your testimonies below—so that I may build my legal defense! 🔥

Darkly Yours,
Dark Lord Regork
(Master of Doom, Betrayed by His Own Creations, Now Apparently On Trial.)

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