The Masterstroke of Destruction (Doomsday Unleashed, Part I: The Beginning of the End, Probably.)

A Proclamation of Doom (That Will Go Wrong Immediately)

Chaos Crew, rejoice! Today marks the dawn of a new era—one of fear, awe, and my inevitable rise to absolute dominion!

No longer shall my grand designs be thwarted by incompetence! No longer shall my glorious vision be derailed by so-called “heroes” with obnoxiously good luck! No longer shall—

Will: “Should we do a structural integrity test?”
Regork: No. Absolutely not. Never.
(Pause.)
Kevin: “So… yes?”
(A loud crack echoes through the lair. The foundation shifts ominously.)
Regork: KEVIN, WHAT DID YOU JUST BREAK?!
(Kevin stares at the blueprint table. The blueprint table is now on fire.)
I have made a mistake.

Behold! The Obliteration Engine of Absolute Ruin!

Yes, yes, bask in its magnificence! Marvel at its sheer complexity!

  • The Doomsday Core – Harvests raw energy from the fabric of reality itself!
  • The Malevolence Engine – Ominous. Mysterious. Definitely destructive. Future Regork will handle the details.
  • The Annihilation Beam of Infinite Darkness – It will, as the name suggests, annihilate!
  • The Dramatic Siren System – Because what is an apocalypse without the proper ambiance?

This is my magnum opus. My ultimate creation. My—

Kevin: “Hey, it makes a funny noise when I shake it!”
Regork: KEVIN, PUT THAT DOWN BEFORE I USE YOU AS A TEST SUBJECT.

The Plan (Flawless, Infallible, Doomed to Fail)

The timeline for completion is as follows:

Phase One: Construction Begins

The Chaos Crew will gather resources, construct the frame, and absolutely not touch anything beyond their assigned tasks.

(I expect this to go wrong immediately.)

Phase Two: Weapon Systems Installation

The Annihilation Beam and Malevolence Engine will be carefully integrated.

(Which means no “tweaks,” WILL.)

Phase Three: The Grand Activation Ceremony

A glorious unveiling! A triumphant speech!

And then… obliteration.

A flawless, unstoppable plan. Not even my Chaos Crew can possibly—

Will: “Ooooh! This chapter will be thrilling.”
Regork: WILL, STOP TAKING NOTES. THIS IS NOT AN ADVENTURE JOURNAL.

Early Warning Signs of Disaster

Even at this stage, I have noticed… troubling developments:

  • Kevin has already lost a crucial component. I do not know how. I do not know when. It was in my hand ten minutes ago.
  • Trevor has misunderstood a metaphor. When I said, “We are laying the groundwork,” I did not mean he should start digging a moat around the lair.
    • It now has crocodiles.
    • Where did he get them?
    • Drew shrugs, still eating his alternate-timeline snacks.
  • Felix has already completed three sections ahead of schedule. He refuses to explain how.
    • Felix: “Would you like the status report, my Lord?”
    • Regork: NO. I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU’RE ALWAYS A STEP AHEAD. TELL ME YOUR SECRETS.
    • He just smiles. I find this unacceptable.
  • Somewhere, somehow, Alden Brightshield is preparing to ruin everything.
    • I can feel it. Like an approaching migraine made of heroism.

Final Thoughts (Before Everything Inevitably Goes Wrong)

Despite my crew’s questionable competence, my vision remains intact.

We are on the cusp of a new era—one of destruction, devastation, and finally getting the respect I deserve.

The world will soon bear witness to the full might of my genius.

…Assuming, of course, that I survive Phase One.

(Distant screaming.)
Trevor: “Oh, um… minor issue. The crocodiles have escaped.”
Regork: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN ESCAPED?!”
Trevor: “Good news: They’re adapting well to their environment!”
Regork: I am going to lie down.

⚠️ FINAL DECREE: SHARE YOUR MONOLOGUE FAILURES OR FACE MY WRATH!

Have your grand designs ever been foiled by incompetence?
Has your brilliant plan been derailed by your own crew?
Have you, too, lost control of a doomsday weapon before Phase One was even complete?

🔥 Leave your greatest tales of thwarted villainy in the comments. Misery loves company. 🔥

Darkly yours,
Dark Lord Regork
(Architect of Doom, Wracked with Doubt, Accepting Stories of Shared Suffering.)

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