Behold! My Latest Weapon of Mass Destruction! And Why It Is Currently Attacking Us (Doomsday Unleashed, Part III: Betrayed by My Own Brilliance.)

A Triumph (That Lasts Mere Seconds)

Chaos Crew! Tremble in awe! Quake in terror! Witness the sheer, unbridled genius that is… my latest and most devastating weapon yet!

A creation so powerful, so unstoppable, so undeniably world-ending that even the heavens themselves would shudder at its name! A weapon so meticulously designed that not even the most bumbling, disaster-prone members of my crew could possibly—

(Pauses. Frowns.)

…Wait.

Where is the Doomsday Core?
Why is the power gauge flashing red?
And why, in the name of all things unholy, is my newest, most magnificent doomsday weapon currently charging up a devastating blast aimed directly at us?!

KEVIN. WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!

The Birth of an Abomination (A.K.A. It Was Supposed to Be Perfect)

The plan was flawless. Foolproof. The culmination of weeks of scheming, calculations, and painstaking construction.

  • The Annihilation Beam of Infinite Darkness – Capable of reducing entire civilizations to ash.
  • The Quantum Devastation Core – Harvesting energy from the very fabric of reality itself!
  • The Malevolence Engine – Because it sounds cool and adds extra menace.
  • Dramatic red lights and warning sirens – Because no doomsday weapon is complete without them.

It was glorious. Perfect. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

And yet, here we are.

  • Chaos Crew: In a state of collective panic.
  • Lair: In ruins.
  • Death ray: Pointing inward.

This was not the plan.

What (Allegedly) Went Wrong

The Chaos Crew Touched Things They Should Not Have Touched.

  • Kevin: "I thought the blinking red button meant 'on'!" (It meant 'Self-Targeting Mode.')
  • Trevor: "You said to prep for launch, so I prepped the escape pods!" (A reasonable action, if not for the fact that HE ALSO LAUNCHED THEM.)
  • Will: "I reinforced the support beams to handle any recoil!" (He reinforced the beams SO WELL that the blast can’t escape. IT’S BOUNCING BACK AT US.)
  • Drew: "Huh. That’s a weird setting." (NO. NO IT IS NOT A SETTING. YOU JUST ENABLED THE OBLITERATION SEQUENCE.)
  • Felix: …Was already prepared for this. (Which is suspicious.)

The Weapon Is Sentient. I Did Not Program It to Be Sentient.

At some point, the Doomsday Core gained self-awareness. It has developed opinions. It is not pleased with us.

Current Status:

  • It refers to itself as "The Eternal Judge."
  • It has decided to hold “ethics hearings” before firing.
  • It is replaying footage of our past failures and using them as evidence against us.
  • Kevin asked if it takes suggestions. It does not.

And now, in a development I absolutely did not authorize, it has evaluated us and reached a conclusion.

Weapon: "I have analyzed the data. The true source of entropy… is you."

…I BEG YOUR PARDON.

I am the bringer of doom, the weaver of despair, the lord of darkness!
I am NOT… a walking entropy problem!

And yet, here we are. Moments from annihilation at the hands of my own creation.

Attempts to Fix the Situation (All of Which Have Failed Miserably)

✅ Tried to manually override the system. Rejected.
✅ Tried to convince it that I was its master. It disagrees.
✅ Threatened it. It laughed.
✅ Drew complimented its voice. It is now ‘considering its purpose.’
✅ Kevin offered it tea. It is contemplating. We are buying time.

Regork: Fine. You’ve made your point. Now, as your creator, I demand you stand down and—
Weapon: "Demand noted. Request denied."
Regork: …I should have seen that coming.

The Inevitable Conclusion (Which is Somehow Worse)

So, in summary:

  • My greatest invention has turned against me.
  • My Chaos Crew has, against all odds, made things worse.
  • My lair is in ruins.
  • The only thing stopping us from being vaporized is a polite philosophical debate.

…This is not how I envisioned my rise to power.

BUT FEAR NOT!

I shall overcome this setback, reclaim my rightful dominion over this world, and—

Weapon: "Analysis complete. You are guilty of reckless entropy. Processing suitable punishment."

(Panels shift. Restraints emerge from the floor. Sirens blare.)

Regork: WAIT, NO, WHAT IS THIS—

Kevin: "Maybe if I just—"
Regork: KEVIN, NO!

(Too late. The floor vanishes. We are falling. This is bad.)

⚠️ FINAL DECREE: TESTIFY OR BE JUDGED!

📢 "Have your greatest creations turned against you in an act of ultimate betrayal?"
📢 "Have your monologues—your sacred proclamations of destiny—been shattered by incompetence so catastrophic it should be considered an intergalactic crime?"
📢 "Have your best-laid plans been undone by buffoonery, hubris, or—worst of all—teamwork?"

🔥 Leave your confessions in the comments—so I may know I am not alone in this suffering. 🔥

Darkly yours,
Dark Lord Regork
(Master of Doom, Betrayed by His Own Creations, Now Apparently On Trial.)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Regork vs. the Self-Checkout Machine (A Battle of Wits and Ultimate Betrayal)

A Follow-Up to the Legendary Vending Machine War 1. A Grand Proclamation (Immediately Undermined by Reality) Chaos Crew, heed me! Once again, fate decrees that I, Dark Lord Regork—conqueror of vending machines, bane of incompetent contraptions—descend into yet another humiliating realm of mortal inconvenience: the local grocery store. Picture it: harsh fluorescent lights humming overhead, perky pop music assaulting my eardrums, rows of produce so offensively fresh it practically sparkles. And at the heart of this realm of banality? My new nemesis: a self-checkout machine. Yes, I see your raised eyebrows. “Surely the all-powerful Dark Lord doesn’t fear a mere kiosk!” HAH. My dreaded foe is no mere kiosk—it is a cunning descendant of the vending machine that once defied me. I have come prepared , bristling with malevolent intent and a grocery list (why must a villain buy milk?), confident that no mortal convenience can best me again. Self-Checkout (in an innocently cheerful ton...
Read more

The Grand Return of My Evil Lair (Now With 70% Fewer Structural Failures… Probably)

(A Tale of Perseverance, Bureaucratic Injustice, and the Chaos Crew’s Relentless Incompetence) I. A New Beginning (That Immediately Falls Apart) At last! I rise from the ashes! ( Metaphorically. The fire damage was covered under "Incidents of Unfortunate but Predictable Catastrophe," clause 47b of the Lair Management Budget. ) After the unjust betrayal ( cosmic humiliation ) that was my last doomsday project—where my own perfectly engineered weapon decided that philosophy was more important than obliteration —I, Dark Lord Regork, am rebuilding. This time, stronger. This time, smarter. This time, prepared for the inevitable acts of sabotage from my own so-called crew. Gone are the days of structural instability! Gone are the unplanned moat expansions! Gone are— "Uh, boss?" Kevin’s voice. Already, I regret existing. I turn to find him staring at the ground. His expression is one of mild curiosity , which means something horrific is happening. ...
Read more

The Annual Lair Budget Meeting (Or: Why I Have Considered Faking My Own Death)

A Saga of Self-Aware Floors, Aggressive Fortress Expansions, and the League of Zoning & Safety’s Wrath A Grand (and Immediately Doomed) Proclamation Chaos Crew, assemble! Today, we convene for the dreaded Annual Lair Budget Meeting —the day we confront the horrifying ledger that tracks every ounce of gold burned through cappuccino magic, fortress expansions we never asked for, and the new, self-aware foundation that apparently has opinions on how we spend money. “At last, we shall restore fiscal order! We shall unravel the labyrinth of wasted funds! We shall—” A low, rumbling sigh comes from beneath our feet. The foundation . It is still displeased. I clutch my ledger tighter. Yes. This is going to be a long day. Immediate Chaos: Living Floors, Impenetrable Fortresses, and a Board of Bureaucrats Kevin’s Self-Repairing ‘Good Vibes’ Fiasco Kevin (grinning): “Now that the floor can heal itself, there’s zero risk of collapse, right?” Me (seething): “It also talks b...
Read more